(<I>From the Metro Newspapers</I>)
Leo
Your possibilities for material gain look extremely encouraging at this time.
<I>Yeah, keep eating all those creme-filled things, fatass. Hey, I just shit out a kid</I>
<B>Virgo</B>
An unexpected event could trigger a needed alteration.
<I>The event is you gaining all that weight and ruining all your clothes and then you’ll be sitting there on your bedroom floor looking at pictures of yourself that you cut out and pasted into a David Schwimmer fan magazine with words like “Tori & David 4-EV” and “FUCK RACHEL.” And then you’ll realize the ultimate alternation that needs to take place: MENDING YOUR GODDAMN LIFE.”</I>
<B>Libra</B>
Seek out opportunities to free yourself from demands.
<I>What the fuck does this even mean?</I>
<B>Scorpio</B>
Your restlessness could take the form of seeking recreation.
<I>Only if you confuse intense addiction to meth with “restlessness.” Then your recreation will most certainly be robbing someone or collecting birds. I hope it’s birds.</I>
<B>Sagittarius</B>
If things are going better for you at this time than they are for your close friends, be modest.
<I>Fuck that! You get all your friends a gift. I’ll tell you what that gift is. It’s a shirt that has a lot of text on it. The text reads: “my friend bought me this with his own money because he can afford it and also he made the ink on the shirt poison because he knew I’d try and eat it because I’m way less successful than him and eating a shirt at this point in my life actually does not seem like a terrible idea, I was going to do it anyway but then I remembered this shirt also has 500 little cameras inside of it that my rich friend can view at anytime. This also means he can see my breasts.” Ok? Make sure you do that. I have extras. </I>
<B>Capricorn</B>
You could receive some unexpected news.
<I>Man, shut up and go back to eating glass. </I>
<B>Aquarius</B>
Your financial situation dictates that you need to be flexible.
<I>You hear that? Off to prostitution with you, you fiscally irresponsible shithead</I>
<B>Pisces</B>
Don’t put any limitations on your expectations.
<I>Great! Gay Astronaut it is!</I>
<B>Aries</B>
Keep your strength subdued.
<I>This is great advice because I know I keep walking by cars and then I get angry that they are just cars and not things I can talk to and love and I just flipping them over, one by one until I get arrested. But then, when I’m in the holding cell, I bend the bars open, climb through, lift the entire jail on top of my head and spin it around several times before I run to an open, grassy-area and pull up some sod to use as a blanket. Yes, I’m a giant.</I>
<B>Taurus</B>
Be a good listener and a keen observer.
<I>You hear that, ladies? Time to eavesdrop!!!!!!</I>
<B>Gemini</B>
There’s a strong chance you could make a radical change in your workaday world
<I>Except you won’t because you’ve got no ambition and you’ll just sit there in your cubicle going “Man, I should get them to get one of those pod-coffee machines…yeah, that’ll be the day…” and then you get up to do it and you see Old Man Binder walking around, tapping his palm with a billy club and you shrink back down and think “Next year…next year the pods will be here.” Yeah right, asshole</I>
<B>Cancer</B>
Today, something will serve to expand your awareness of your world.
<I>Yeah, that homeless guy peeing on a cat. That opens up a lot.</I>